


Where Sexy and Sweet Compete (Common Room Talk)

by DashFnanz



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But we love her, Dorcas is So Done, Epic Friendship, Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Gryffindor Common Room, Lily Evans is a Dork, Lily is So Done, M/M, Marlene is a sex-crazed maniac, Mary has a Mouth on her, Nerd Remus Lupin, Relationship Discussions, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sexy Sirius Black, Siblings, So is Remus Lupin, girl talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23328220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DashFnanz/pseuds/DashFnanz
Summary: Marlene suffers from all the sexiness concentrated at Hogwarts, Mary loves her expletives, Dorcas is the Wise One, and frankly, Lily is just done. In other words, your standard (or maybe not so standard) locker room talk. But with less sweat and more cosy comfort. 'Cos these girls are fine and they know it.Read & Review!
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	Where Sexy and Sweet Compete (Common Room Talk)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, Dash here. I have decided to cross-post my works to this site, because AO3 has a special place in my heart and I know that I'm not the only one with this sentiment. This fic is originally posted on fanfiction.net under the same pen name.
> 
> P.S.: I am relatively new to writing fanfiction and am still getting a feel for this. So please do review and give me your opinions on my writing. I need all the constructive criticism I can get! However, I am still getting into the whole writing scene, so please, don't flame me. I write for my own pleasure and also because I know the pleasure one gets while reading someone else's stories, not for money or commissions or anything else. So, if you don't like the themes for my stories, please hit the back button and move out before getting traumatised by my writing. I will post warnings accordingly.
> 
> Disclaimer: J.K Rowling is a goddess and I can never compare. So, she keeps the characters, the places and her own created world, while I borrow them all every now and then like the pathetic human I am. The plot is all mine though!
> 
> Warnings: strong language, references to adult situations, references to a male/male relationship (Sirius/Remus)
> 
> Happy reading!

"Damn, my knickers are soaked through."

Marlene McKinnon grinned at the chorus of "eww's!" hollered back as she stepped through the portrait to the Gryffindor common room. Her book bag slapped against her thigh as she made her way to where her friends sat in cozy armchairs around the fireplace. The warmth of the merrily dancing flames provided a stark contrast to the biting chill of the harsh winter winds outside, and she gave a shiver of relief at the reprieve.

"Honestly," she thought, "Saturday detention is the worst." She had just spent three hours in the drafty Transfiguration classroom with Professor McGonagall writing down a eight feet essay, and right now, she wasn't in the mood to ever think of repeating it again.

Throwing her bag against the side of the only empty chair in the makeshift circle, Marlene flopped into the cushions with a dreamy sigh. Her three best friends, Dorcas Meadows, Mary MacDonald and Lily Evans stared back at her expectantly.

Dorcas was the first to crack when it was clear that there was no answer forthcoming.

"Well?" She questioned with a huff. "What's gotten you so hot and bothered?"

Marlene smirked. Dorcas always was the impatient one.

"Why do you want to know, Dor? You wanna help me out?" She complimented her remark with a purposeful glance at her own lap and a lewd waggle of her eyebrows.

Dorcas flushed red at the unmistakable suggestion in her comment. Her bright blue eyes darted around uncomfortably, intent on ignoring Marlene's growing smirk.

"Shut up, McKinnon," she muttered.

Mary and Lily glanced at each other knowingly.

Finally Marlene decided to take pity on her friends and sate their curiosity. She offered Dorcas a little smile.

"I bumped into Sirius Black in the fifth floor corridor." she said. "His hair was in a manbun. A manbun!"

The girls ahhed in understanding. Mary sat forward excitedly.

"I bet it made him look even sexier! Did it, Marls? Ooh, was he wearing his jacket too? He looks unbelievably fuckable in leather, don't you think?"

Lily laughed at her friend. Mary was always so shy around everyone else, that their housemates often jokingly called her the Gryffindor Mouse. "Damn," she thought to herself as she tucked in a strand of vibrant red hair, "I wonder what they would say if they saw this side of her."

Indeed, the common room was completely empty - apart from the four of them. That single fact was the only reason Mary was so unrestrained. The truth was - something that the others refused to believe - that sweet, shy, petite Mary, had quite the mouth on her, and quite the temper too. It was something her friends took immense delight in, especially when she used it to take Marlene's cockiness down a notch or two.

Mary, not knowing the progress of her friend's thoughts, looked at Lily strangely.

"What's so funny?" she asked Lily. "Just because you're planning to stay a virgin for the rest of your natural life, doesn't mean the rest of us don't want to get some! And if that someone happened to be Sirius Black, I wouldn't complain, would you, girls?"

"Hell no, I wouldn't!" Dorcas agreed.

"Sirius Black can get down with me anytime!" Marlene added salaciously.

Lily sighed. "He's hot, I get it. And if I had a shred less of dignity or common sense, I'd agree with you. Unfortunately, immaturity and compulsive stupidity aren't on my List."

Dorcas scoffed. "I can't believe you're still hanging on to that stupid thing. It's been, what, five years now? Don't you realize that you'll never meet that _perfect guy_ if you're too busy checking off his good qualities from your bloody list!"

Mary added, "Besides, Lils, your standards are way too high. You have a much higher chance of achieving everything on your list if you knock off, say, ten things on it."

"But there are only twelve things on The List! My standards are not that high!" cried Lily indignantly.

"I can practically hear the capitals in her voice when she says it like that." Mary muttered to herself.

Meanwhile, Marlene tried to reason with Lily again. "Lils, you've got 'handsome', 'book-lover', 'cooks like a god', 'gentleman' and 'would choose me over quidditch and other manly things' as part of your fucking list. It's unreasonable. Impossible!"

"Oh please!" Lily counteracted. "If you had to make a list, the only two things on it would be 'must be hot' and 'good in bed'. It's no wonder that you go through all the witches and wizards at Hogwarts so fast."

Dorcas spoke up, "Something tells me that when you finally revoke your unspoken vow of celibacy and get a serious boyfriend, he'll have absolutely no resemblance to anything on your dumb list. None. In fact," she crossed her arms and leaned back against the cushions, "Something tells me that you'll end up with James Potter. I'd bet on it, even." She smirked. "And you know I'm always right."

Marlene and Mary grinned in agreement.

Lily spluttered. "I will not have anything to do with that - that gormless worm." The vivid blush on her cheeks though, belied her assertion.

The other three rolled their eyes.

Marlene smiled at Lily. "We wouldn't mind though, if you ever started dating James Potter. He's not that bad, and his friends are pretty cool too. Besides, you know who Potter's best friend is?" Her smile turned cheeky. "Sirius Black, that's who."

Lily groaned.

Mary spoke intently, "As your best friends, it is our responsibility to make sure we get along with Potter's friends, don't you think? Our duty, even. Especially his best friend. We need to make an even harder effort with him."

Dorcas interjected, "Speaking of hard, did you see his abs? Rock solid, six pack. I literally had to wipe the drool off my chin!"

Marlene exclaimed, "When did you ever see him shirtless?"

"Last week. Remember when I had forgotten my Charms book in the dorms?"

"Yeah, we remember," Lily spoke up with reluctant interest. "You went off to retrieve it and came back an hour later with your Potions book instead."

"Can you blame me for being distracted? His hot chocolate spilled down the front of his shirt while I walked up the stairs. And he just - took it off."

"Damn, girl," Marlene whistled. "Wish you took a picture. That kind of sexiness should be shared with the rest of us hungry souls."

Dorcas laughed. "He's got really broad shoulders too. And bloody hell, have you seen his biceps?"

Mary sighed. "Even his face turns me on. His hair, his jaw. Merlin, those cheekbones could cut glass. And fuck, his eyes are pure sex."

Dorcas added, "He's such a charmer too. He always knows the right things to say."

"I bet he's _real_ passionate in bed," Marlene said with a saucy wink. "Damn, I wish I was in bed with him. I bet he has a really big dick."

"I want to make babies with him," Dorcas sighed dreamily.

Lily, who was looking on at the others in mounting horror, finally cut them off with a cry at Dorcas' 'babies' comment.

"Enough!" she yelled, completely flabbergasted. "Merlin, I feel like a creep listening to you people. Listen to yourselves! You make it sound like Sirius Black is a - a god!"

"He is!" yelled back three besotted girls - although Marlene looked more sex-drunk than besotted.

"I don't know about that. He has his flaws too, you know."

"Unless his flaws have something to do with what he's like in the sack, not really interested, Lils," said Marlene flippantly.

Lily groaned. "Why do you always have sex on your mind?" she asked Marlene.

Marlene shrugged with a smirk. "It's my best asset," she said nonchalantly. "We do what we like best. I'd sleep with the next hot guy or girl that came around in a heartbeat, while you'd lose your virginity to a book if you could. Facts of life."

Dorcas and Mary laughed.

Lily turned red. "Why do you keep bringing that up? You make it sound like I have an obsession with books. Which I don't. Really. I just - have a healthy respect for them."

"Lils, last year in the library, you took off thirty points from Ravenclaw and gave Davies three days detention for, and I quote, "destroying a book". He was just practicing the Jelly-Legs Jinx!"

Dorcas added on to Marlene's comment. "He didn't even do it on purpose! It wasn't his fault that he was twirling his wand while memorising the incantation!"

"He was a third year, he should have known enough by then to keep his wand stationary while reciting an incantation! If he followed the rules, he wouldn't have conjured flaming jelly on to the book!" Lily argued in her defence.

Mary smiled fondly. "You sulked for the rest of the day over that stupid book. Honestly, one would think that Davies had destroyed a priceless artifact, not a book!"

Lily responded, shocked. "A book is a priceless artifact! Destroying a book is like… destroying a whole world." She smiled smugly. "Besides, Remus agrees with me. He was there too - he helped me put out the flames. He was just as mad as I am. And you know how gentle he usually is! In fact, he was the one who gave Davies those detentions!"

"Really!" asked Mary. "But he's always so sweet! I can't imagine him giving detention to a cute little third year!"

"Remus is a sweetheart, but he can be firm too. How do you think he reins in Potter and Black's wilder side?"

"They have a wilder side?" asked Marlene wonderingly.

"Pffft," scoffed Lily, "if it wasn't for Remus, Hogwarts would have burned to the ground a long time ago."

"I'll have to thank Remus for that then," commented Dorcas with a laugh. "Will chocolate work?"

The other three snorted. "A bar of Honeydukes' finest and you'll make his day," Lily responded with a smile in her voice.

Mary piped up. "It's just adorable, how much he loves chocolate. Figures right, that the book-loving boy with the shy smile and pretty eyes would be a chocoholic? Completes the whole package, I think."

"He always did remind me of sunshine," Dorcas added. "Am I the only one to think that?"

Lily shook her head. "No, you're right," she said, "I always thought that too. It's the smile. And, you know, how his eyes and hair have that gorgeous honey-amber shade. It makes him look like he's walking around with a constant halo."

Mary laughed. "Couldn't have put it better myself. He looks so innocent, like an angel."

Marlene spoke up reluctantly. "You're right, Lupin is adorable, and really nice too. The few times I've asked him for his Defence notes, he not only shares them with me but also teaches me the spells. I didn't even need to ask him for help."

The others looked at her surprised. Usually, wringing out anything from Marlene which did not include any form of innuendo was like pulling teeth. Indeed, she herself looked shocked as she spoke, and vaguely in pain, as if some unknown entity was twisting her arm.

Lately, it was impossible to hold a decent conversation about a person without hearing a comment from her stating what she found appealing about said person, and exactly what she'd like to do to them, usually in excruciating detail.

Marlene was at that point in her life where she was at the peak of being a sex-crazed, hormonal teenager - but unlike other (normal) persons, she embraced it with a passion that often drove her best friends to insanity.

After a few long seconds of staring and blinking, Mary pulled herself out of her stupor. "Well, if even Marlene can say something nice about Remus without stating how much she wants to fuck him, there's definitely something special about him."

Lily and Dorcas laughed loudly. Marlene cried in the background, "I don't want to fuck him!"

"Why not?" asked Mary in genuine confusion. She looked at Marlene. "Remus is gorgeous, sweet and really nice."

Marlene sputtered, struggling to find words. She seemed to have shocked herself with her admission.

Dorcas cut in, "And all his scars don't change that one bit. Honestly, seeing them just makes me want to protect him. It's ridiculous"

Mary wondered, "What gave him all those scars? Lily, do you know? You two are pretty close."

"No, I don't," replied Lily. "We have an unspoken agreement. He doesn't talk about his scars and I don't talk about my sister. It works for us. It lets us pretend that we're normal, just a little bit."

"Does it really matter?" Dorcas asked Mary. "The scars don't really change my opinion of him. They don't make him look like a monster."

"You're right," Mary conceded. "The scars don't scare me. In fact, they just make him look sweeter and more vulnerable. The one on his face especially would look dangerous on anyone else, but on him it just makes me want to cuddle him and pat him on the head. Like a teddy bear!"

Marlene sat up in her chair with a jolt and pointed at Mary. "Exactly!" she exclaimed, "I can't have sex with a teddy bear! I don't know about you but it just sounds criminal to me."

Lily face-palmed.

"You're still stuck on that?" Dorcas questioned sarcastically. Her left eyebrow practically touched her hairline. "Jeez Marls, it wouldn't hurt you to find one not-ugly person you're not madly lusting after. You don't have to justify your reasons for it."

Before any of the others could comment, the portrait swung open and a lean figure hurried in. A sudden draft of wind pushed its way into the common room before the portrait could close. The occupants shivered at the cold.

With a huff, Alice McKinnon walked towards them, unwrapping her woollen scarf. The colourful scarf had been a gift from her boyfriend, Frank Longbottom, three months ago for her birthday, and she was never found without it since.

Alice waved to the four girls clustered around the fireplace as they greeted her cheerily. She perched herself on the arm of Marlene's chair as she warmed her hands near the fire.

"Fuck, it's cold outside," she told the rest.

"You comfortable?" Marlene asked her little sister snarkily.

"Very, thanks sis." replied Alice cheekily. Turning round to face the rest, she asked, "So, what are you guys talking about?"

"Remus Lupin," chorused her sister's three friends.

"And Sirius Black!" added Marlene hastily.

"Ooh, Sirius Black! Did you see him today?" squealed Alice. "That leather jacket looks delicious on him. Plus, he had his hair up today! He's so sexy."

"Merlin, it probably runs in her family," Lily muttered, annoyed.

Dorcas blinked. "Alice, you have a boyfriend."

"And Frank's plenty sexy himself." Mary added with a wink.

"Hell yeah he is! My boyfriend's hot as hell, but that doesn't mean I can't admire other fine specimens when I see 'em! And Sirius Black, my friends, is the male form at its finest."

Marlene looked at her sister with a mixture of horror and amusement. "I don't know whether to pat you on the back or shriek and cover my ears." She turned to Lily, "is that normal?"

"Yes," replied Lily with feeling. "Well, somewhat. The shrieking part is definitely normal. The other part, err…"

"Huh," huffed Marlene quietly, "I thought it would be the other way round."

Alice rolled her eyes and wiggled around, trying to get more comfortable on the armrest. "So you guys know, huh?" she asked the others. "Did Lupin tell you, Lily?"

"Tell me what?" Lily questioned, confused. The other three looked at each other in puzzlement.

"About Black and Lupin, of course." Alice replied mysteriously. "I found it hard to believe at first, but it sounds about right, doesn't it?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Alice?" Dorcas asked impatiently.

"Wait, you don't know? Lily, didn't he tell you? Black and Lupin are together."

Lily's eyes widened. Meanwhile, the others were just as puzzled as before.

"Together doing what?" asked Mary.

"They're a couple! Boyfriends. Partners. Lovers. Together. You get the idea?"

The girls, still shocked by this revelation, nodded mutely.

Lily recovered first. "How do you know this?" asked Lily defiantly, her face still red from an unknown emotion.

Alice seemed to think over it before replying. "Well, Frank heard from Benjy who heard from Caradoc's older cousin, you know the one, right? Who heard from Gideon and Fabian who walked in on the two of them snogging in the fourth floor corridor. They hid themselves in time though - Black and Lupin don't know that they're caught."

"If the twins are to be believed," she continued in a whisper, "the 'L' word was also exchanged."

The girls gasped.

"No way!" shrieked Dorcas.

"I can't believe it!" said Mary, shocked.

"You mean, that time I spotted Black sneaking up to his dorm with that big bowl of melted chocolate, he was using it to have _sex with Lupin_!" Marlene cried. "He told me it was for a prank!"

Lily looked at her funnily, but said nothing. Her face seemingly turned steadily redder.

"Come on, you have to admit though, that they make a cute couple. Have you ever seen them interacting together? Sirius always acts so different with him. It's so sweet!" exclaimed Alice.

"They are adorable together," agreed Dorcas. "Sometimes, here in the common room, I just spend some time looking at their dynamics. It's very interesting, I'll admit."

"It must have been so romantic!" Mary squealed with a dreamy look in her eyes. "Merlin, falling in love with your best friend seems like a fairytale! You already know everything about each other and already love each other, it's just… transformed love. Oh, I wish I could fall in love with my best friend."

Dorcas and Marlene, who were sitting closest to her, edged away from her. Marlene bumped into her precariously seated sister and nearly caused her to topple over.

"Why didn't he tell me!" Lily suddenly burst out. Her angry red face clashed horribly with her fiery red hair. She looked like she was going to explode any time.

Her friends looked at her worriedly. "What's wrong, Lils?" Dorcas voiced her concern.

"Remus!" Lily replied angrily. "He was supposed to tell me if and when he ever got together with Black, or any man for that matter! I need to speak with Black to find out his intentions, he knows that!"

The girls stared at her in shock.

"You knew he's gay?" Marlene asked.

"Wait, how did you know that he was planning to get together with Sirius?" Dorcas questioned thoughtfully.

"The mystery deepens." Mary intoned ridiculously, before bursting into giggles.

Lily answered her friends, visibly annoyed. "Of course I knew that Remus is gay, Marls, I was the first person he told! We're friends, remember? He's had a crush on Sirius for years now, Dorcas. He told me about it a long time ago. Do you know what else he told me? He told me that I would be the _first_ person to know if he ever got a boyfriend, especially _if said boyfriend was SIRIUS BLACK_!"

"Geez, calm down Lils," giggled Alice nervously. "It's just Sirius. Lupin isn't turning to the dark side!"

Lily scoffed. "With Black, you never know."

Dorcas and Mary exchanged competitive glances rapidly.

Dorcas lost the battle. She sighed in defeat and squared her shoulders bracingly.

"Lils," she started. "Don't you think you have the tendency to be a little…forceful…sometimes? When you...talk...to Black, aren't you just a bit...accusatory? Maybe Remus and his boyfriend just wanted a little time to themselves before they tell anybody? I'm sure he appreciates your protectiveness, just...not so soon."

Lily's face was a mixture of anger and confusion.

Marlene smirked. "What Dorcas is trying, and failing, to say, my dear Lily, is that when it comes to Black, you have the temper of a thousand burning suns and the patience of a flobberworm."

"Marlene!" cried Mary in the background.

"You treat every interaction with him as an inquisition and every prank as a heinous crime."

"This is what happens when I try to be nice." Dorcas sighed wearily.

"Lupin's probably scared that you'll break his boyfriend with your aggressiveness. Not that I'd blame him. If I were him, I'd put off telling you about it till it was inevitable. I have no doubt you'd do some serious damage to Black, and Lupin likes his boyfriend's bits too much to endanger them. You know?"

"My sister has less tact than Great Aunt Matilda." Alice muttered to herself.

For the second time, Lily was flabbergasted. She seemed to be incapable of speech.

After a long few minutes, she pulled herself together and stated, "For your information, I was the one who pushed Remus to talk to Black about his feelings. Do you know how many times he wanted to just give up and move on? _'People like me don't deserve love anyway, Lils.'_ I don't know what makes that boy have such a low opinion of himself, honestly. But if there's one thing I know, it's that Black somehow manages to raise that opinion for him every time he's around."

"I've seen what he's like with Remus," she continued softly. "And I know they will be good for each other. I just don't want Rem to get hurt. I want Black to take this relationship seriously. For Remus."

Alice smiled at her. "I get it, Lily. You want what's best for him. You're worried that Sirius isn't as committed as Remus is. But if they already are at the 'I love you' stage, I think Black's taking this plenty seriously, don't you?"

Lily smiled back and thought over it. She visibly calmed down, seemingly satisfied with her conclusion.

A comfortable silence took over the room for a few minutes. No one said anything, and nobody needed to.

After a while, Alice huffed and got up from the armrest. "Well, it's been real, people, but I've got to hit the books again. I'm going up to the dorms - I actually came back for my Herbology notes. These OWL's are killing me, and they haven't even begun yet! I don't know how you guys survived last year."

Lily laughed and stood up too. "Atleast you've started studying for it! We had to drag your sister to the library a month before our OWL's because _someone_ didn't bother to study till the last minute." She looked at Marlene teasingly.

"I must be off as well. I have an errant friend to confront about a certain secret." Lily winked at her friends and started to make her way to the portrait.

Marlene laughed and called out to her sister. "Ali, wait! I'm coming with you. I need to change my knickers."

"Eww!"

"Gross, Marlene!"

"Too much information, Marls!"

"I didn't need to know that about my sister!"

"What? They're starting to get itchy!"


End file.
